Defensive Driving?
by tFantasyFan
Summary: Now let us observe a typical evening of brotherly bonding, high-speed gun fights and bickering like children. Because that always helps, right?


_I was halfway through writing chapter 3 of 'Worst Morning Ever,' and then 14 pages' worth of dialogue exploded. Like, everywhere. -_- I could only channel it and aim for Microsoft Word. I give props to Reg for guinea-reading for me again. Twice. XD_

_Disclaimer: *head hits table* Is that good enough?_

* * *

"Slow it down, Raphael! There's a speed limit for a reason, you know!"

"Hey, it's them or us and I don't know _them._"

"What kind of excuse is that for nearly crushing a van full of unsuspecting citizens?"

"A good one. Besides, I don't see any _signs _about this speed limit."

"Because you're going too fast to be able to read them! Is it impossible for you to let up on the gas?"

"If you keep tellin' me to, it is."

"Very mature. I'm amazed you've never been pulled over before."

"Never say never, Leo."

"So you're saying you _have _been pulled over?"

"What, you think I'm that reckless a driver?"

"I-"

"You think I go around just lookin' for excuses to commit vehicular homicide?"

"That's not-"

"You think I can't be trusted behind the wheel of a car, that I-"

"Enough! Just keep your mouth shut and your eyes on the road!"

"Hey, I'll talk if I wanna talk!"

"There's just no winning with you, is there?"

"Not today there ain't."

"Of course not. I'll just consider it good karma that's gotten me through sixteen years of this."

"Karma's for assholes who don't…shit."

"Wow, two swear words, an analogy and a jab at my belief in karma, all in eight syllables. I think you've broken your old record, Raph."

"Shut up and duck already!"

"Why? What the- are they _shooting_ at us?"

"No, they're makin' popcorn! Stay the fuck down, will ya?"

"WHY are they shooting at us?"

"To kill us! Ain't you supposed to be one of the smart ones?"

"That's not what I meant and you know it!"

"This _really _ain't the time for word games, Leo!"

"You're the one playing word games!"

"I am not! Oh, for the love of-"

"Did you just hit a dog?"

"No."

"You did! You just hit somebody's dog!"

"What the hell was a dog doin' on the highway?"

"Does it really matter? If you hadn't done something to get us SHOT at, you would have been doing the speed limit and you wouldn't have hit it!"

"Not helping!"

"Oh I'm sorry- would you like me to pull out a rocket launcher and return fire?"

"Don't even THINK about rocket launchers! You hear me? It'll only cause us more trouble!"

"Okay, okay, calm down! But seriously, what do you expect me to DO?"

"How 'bout comin' up with a PLAN? You know, strategy? Ain't that right up your alley?"

"Sorry, no can do."

"What happened to the simple setup we had where YOU did the plannin' and I just went along with it? Don't you _ever_ talk to Donnie?"

"What, the so-called 'point and grunt' agreement? It ended when you dragged yourself into this and pulled me along with you. Your problem, your turn to think of a solution."

"Asshole."

"Which is just your way of admitting I'm right."

"Shut up and let me think."

"Sure, go ahead. No hurry. Let me know if you need a suggestion."

"Up yours. Okay, since some of us are too high-and-mighty to save their own skin, this is the plan: you take the wheel-"

"What?"

"-and I'll climb out and take out their tires-"

"_What?_"

"Don't worry, I did the same thing when I was out with Casey a couple weeks back. Course, I don't think those guys had as many guns-"

"WHAT?"

"Look, just hold the damn steerin' wheel and let me work!"

"Work on what, your _obituary? _Are you really suicidal enough to- Raph, get back in here! RAPH, get back in the _fucking_ car or so help me I'll tell Master Splinter that I _do _think a trip to the Ancient One would benefit you! Raphael!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Right, lost 'em."

"Are you out of your _mind_? Do you have a _death wish_?"

"Not the last time I checked, but ya never know."

"No, no- this is NOT the time to start joking around and being a jackass."

"There's a time slot now?"

"What you just did was- was-"

"Stupid? Reckless? Irresponsible? Impulsive? Irrational? Oh wait, here's one you haven't thrown out in a while: totally lacking any common sense or awareness of my own mortality."

"Yes! All of those! You thoughtless, selfish, idiotic bastard! What if you'd gotten yourself killed?"

"Well I would be dead, wouldn't I? And if I fell off the car I'd've been made a permanent part of the pavement! But I'm fine, so you should just quit preachin' and let me drive!"

"What, you think that's the end of this? Just because you _say _it's over? I hate to rain on your parade, _Raphael, _but I'm far from finished."

"It ain't over because I say it's over, it's over because it's over! You said make a plan, I made a plan!"

"This is exactly why I can never take your ideas seriously! Not only were you blatantly in harm's way, you were also totally exposed to the enemy!"

"Yeah, yeah."

"And just climbing out the window like that? You're absolutely insane!"

"Figured that out years ago. You're kinda late to the game, Oh Enlightened One."

"Just…shut up and drive. You're impossible, I swear."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Where are we going _now? _Schedule a drive-by at Purple Dragon HQ?"

"You're a regular comedian. I gotta make a quick stop somewhere is all."

"Oh, of course. Let's completely forget that there's somebody out there who you managed to strike with the notion of killing us- a very original plan, I might add- and stop by- stop by where, exactly? That drive-by was sarcasm, not a suggestion."

"And here I was about to get out the Uzi. It ain't dangerous, Leo, geez."

"You say that, but I don't believe you. Maybe my sense of trust took a hit during the gun fight."

"Maybe you oughta get off my back. Alive, ain't we?"

"Yes, and I'm just as surprised as you. I think the truly pressing matter at this point is you telling me what you did to get us shot at. You know, with _bullets? _That cause severe damage?"

"Probably just some gang members or somethin' that me and Case laid out."

"Probably? You don't even know who you could have gotten mad enough to get yourself shot at?"

"I make a lotta people less than happy."

"You don't say."

"I'm wounded, bro- breakin' my heart here."

"I guess I should really just be grateful for the three hours topside that went _without_ being dragged into something that isn't our business at all. Thanks so much for that precious reprieve."

"What the hell is up with you guys and sarcasm lately? You never heard of bein' straightforward?"

"Well, if you insist. You're reckless, irresponsible and a natural trouble magnet, so I'm surprised we managed to go for so long without you leading us into someone else's problems. That's all I was saying."

"_I _lead us into someone else's problems?"

"Frequently."

"Yeah, you tell yourself that next time Karai's sorry ass shows up, wavin' around a sword and droppin' the word 'honor' until it starts to sound funny."

"I probably will tell myself that. It's like stepping on a dog's tail and reminding yourself that your brother's actually run a dog over."

"I never hit that dog!"

"You think you didn't hit that dog, but you don't know! You weren't paying attention to the road!"

"Gee, wonder why: couldn't have had anythin' to do with the fact that we were gettin' shot at!"

"Shot at because of you!"

"What a shock, using events beyond my control to blame me for somethin'."

"It isn't beyond your control! That's exactly it! If you weren't out playing vigilante all the time-"

"I go out alone and it's playin' vigilante, but when the four of us go for a run it's just bein' good people. You need to make up your mind about right and wrong."

"You…You don't understand anything. For us it's a matter of honor, not just a way to spend a Friday night."

"It's not like that. Only one here that don't understand is you."

"If you say so."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"So…where are we?"

"Oh. Right. It's, uh, just a neighborhood I started lookin' after when you were…" _Gone. _"…when I was doin' the Nightwatcher thing. I check in once in a while. Old habits or somethin'."

"Sure."

"Probably shouldn't keep coming back. Just…dunno…wanna look out for them."

"Get a lot of trouble out here?"

"Lotta thugs and addicts and prostitutes. Gangs 'n bullets, blood 'n bruises. Same as anywhere."

"But…they're good people?"

"Not even a little bit. Save 'em, stop 'em, and they're still doin' the same thing the next day. Never gonna change."

"I really don't understand it sometimes. Why you bother taking up hopeless cases like that."

"Always have. Even if it don't look like things are gonna change."

"Doesn't it bother you, coming back to the same thing every time?"

"Didn't used to. Liked havin' something that stuck around, you know?"

"And now?"

"…does now, sometimes."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"When are you going to stop doing this to yourself?"

"When they learn to start savin' themselves."

"They're never _going_ to learn. No one ever does."

"They might…someday. Just- gotta let them have a chance."

"Is that why you do it? To give them a chance?"

"Don't matter why anymore. Used to know, but now…it's just there."

"'Just there.' Just you, there: giving them chances. Risking your life for no good reason."

"Maybe no good reason to _you. _Just cause I don't know doesn't mean there ain't one in there."

"…chances turn into second chances, Raph, and into third and fourth and fifth until you eventually lose count or lose your life. You can only have one or the other; never both."

"Yeah. I know."

"And…it doesn't matter how many times you save someone. In the end, they're still humans and we still aren't. They're never going to accept us."

"Not about acceptance, Leo."

"Then why _bother?_"

"Pricey question comin' from Mr. Ghost of the Jungle."

"That was different."

"How was it any different from what I was doin'?"

"There were no police there. I couldn't just watch and do nothing while a village full of innocent people suffered."

"Police weren't enough _here_. This ain't some little village, either- it's a city. A whole damned city, fallin' apart around me, and I was s'posed to just let a few million people go down with it? Just because you couldn't be there t'hold my hand while I tried?"

"That isn't what I meant-"

"Isn't it?"

"No, it isn't. Don't compare what I've done with what you've done if you can't understand the differences."

"What differences, huh? You and me, we're in the _same_ boat: you ain't got the right to tell me what I did was wrong when you were doin' the same thing and callin' it heroic."

"Fine. Think whatever you want, Raph. I don't- I'm not going to fight about this anymore."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"…not like I didn't know I wouldn't be changin' shit. I ain't blind, and I ain't that stupid."

"I didn't say you were."

"No, but…Forget it. Don't know why I'm botherin'."

"You know, I…I didn't mean to…"

"S'fine. Can't even really say the whole Nightwatcher business was because I got tired of the city bein' as fucked up as me. It was only my excuse."

"What?"

"This whole avoidin' talkin' about when you were gone thing? It's been goin' on since the day you left. You wouldn't know, 'cause you were gone and you can't avoid somethin' if you're in the middle of it, right?"

"…right."

"Mike and Don and Splinter had their stuff, y'know, their excuses not to think about it. Got their jobs and meditatin' and somethin' to keep their hands busy. I never been good at keepin' myself occupied."

"No, not really."

"Guess eventually I just got tired of empty bedrooms and mailboxes, watchin' everyone get just as tired as me and the city fallin' apart. Nothin' any different."

"I can understand that. It's…hard for us not to get involved in anything. And it's even harder when you just want to help."

"Wasn't about helpin', after a while. Got to be about not havin' to be home. Never got any better. Just pissed me off."

"If _that_ was so frustrating, why do you keep coming back here when you know it's going to be the same result night after night?"

"People here…they're _real._ S'the real ones that make the world turn, Fearless. Had to try, at least."

"And you claim to be a pessimist."

"Only 'cause I am."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Sometimes I think I made a mistake helping that village."

"You serious?"

"You know I am."

"What the hell, Leo?"

"I don't regret doing what I did, Raph, but I think…"

"Think _what_?"

"…I think in the end I did them more harm than good."

"How do you figure?"

"Those people…they thought I was some kind of god, some otherworldly being, sent to earth to protect them or something. Which was okay, at first- it meant they wouldn't try to track me or capture me. I could- I could help them, and I wouldn't risk exposure."

"And there's another 'but' on the end of that."

"…they didn't know that I left. It's only a matter of time until someone else comes along to terrorize them, and they'll be waiting for help that won't ever come."

"Harsh."

"Yeah. Harsh."

"You're a real asshole, you know that?"

"Thanks, Raph."

"I mean it, Leo. Know why?"

"You'll tell me anyway, won't you?"

"You know it. You're the only guy I know who can feel guilty about _savin' _someone."

"It's not feeling guilty that I _saved _them. It's the fact that they'll expect me to _keep _saving them and I'm not even going to be there."

"What, they weren't doin' alright before you showed up? They get totally wiped out every couple of years or somethin'?"

"No, but they _weren't_ doing all right before I came. They were being robbed and-and beaten and God only _knows _what else-"

"Raped, shot, stabbed, held hostage, kidnapped. Basics. Hell, anyone you scared off is probably gonna be crawlin' back outta nowhere once they see you stopped showin' up-"

"_Shut up._"

"-and it's just gonna start all over again. _Two years_ playin' ghost and you gave 'em one good year after, if that."

"I said shut up."

"You just hate the fact that if you went back it'd be like you never happened. Even out in the jungle someone like us can't make a difference. We don't matter."

"That isn't true. I helped them. They'll remember that."

"They'll forget it when you don't help them again. Two fuckin' years and they'll just forget about it, start hatin' you because you ain't there _now._ People forget all the help you gave 'em and when it's back to the same old, same old, you ain't gonna have a second of their time."

"You don't really think that."

"Yes I do. And so do you- just too stubborn to say so. World's fulla ungrateful bastards. What gave that village the right, anyway?"

"The right to _what?_"

"To just expect you to swoop down and solve it all for them, like you didn't have anythin' else to do. They ever even try to fight?"

"The rest of the world isn't like New York, Raph. Not everyone can fight for themselves."

"So they're just gonna sit on their asses and wait for the guy who didn't make a difference to show up and start makin' a difference again."

"What is _wrong_ with you? You don't even know them."

"You gave 'em TWO years, and they're gonna forget all about it! You're just gonna be some crazy story that some crazy old lady tells her grandkids to keep 'em from cryin' when they're at gunpoint!"

"So what? Even if that's all it boils down to being, a story that doesn't really help anything, it doesn't matter because she'll remember that I made things better for a while! Even if it didn't make a difference in the long run- what does that matter if it's working for now?"

"It woulda made a helluva lot more difference to _us _if you'd come home instead of spendin' all that time bein' heroic! _We _remembered you_, _and _we're_ gonna remember those two years pretty fucking clearly because you make a difference _here! _You were supposed to be _here!_"

"Raph…I didn't-"

"Just forget it."

"But it's not-"

"_Drop it, _Fearless."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"It's not like I wanted to leave."

"I don't care that you left."

"I didn't have a choice."

"I _know_ that. Said I didn't care, didn't I? You got somethin' in your ears or what?"

"So you plan on pretending you never said anything. You're just going to go right back to avoiding your problems."

"Who's avoidin' anything? I'm supposed to be mad at you for leavin' when you didn't have a choice?"

"My having no choice didn't stop you from being angry before."

"Fine, you want me to be pissed, I'm pissed. Happy now?"

"What-? You were the one who just-"

"What do you want me to SAY, for chrissake? I say I ain't mad, you call me a liar- I get mad, you get mad at me for it! There's no winnin' this!"

"Winning what? We're not arguing!"

"Yes we are!"

"No we aren't!"

"Then why do you keep yellin' at me?"

"Because YOU'RE yelling at ME!"

"Then stop yelling!"

"You first!"

"No!"

"Agh, I have no idea what's going on with you! You are the most hardheaded, nonsensical-"

"_Nonsensical? _I'm 'nonsensical' now?"

"YES! _Nonsensical_! You say something like what you said earlier and then expect me to just let it go and start bickering with you like we're five years old! You don't get to do that!"

"News flash, Leo- you started this one! I didn't say a damn thing!"

"But you did!"

"What, that I wasn't mad at you for leavin'? That's it?"

"Yes, 'that's it!'"

"What the hell? I'm NOT! You didn't have a fucking choice, you said so yourself!"

"You _said-_"

"WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? I'm _tryin' _to figure this out, but it don't make any sense!"

"Just tell me why you're so angry at me if it isn't because I left!"

"But I never said I was angry!"

"But you _are_. I don't- I'm so _tired_ of this, Raph."

"Then can we just drop it?"

"Fine. Let's just- can we go home now?"

"…yeah."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"I wasn't mad at you for leavin'."

"_Raph-_"

"I'm not tryin' to start it up again. Just sayin' is all."

"…I didn't mean to _stay _gone, either. It just…All of a sudden there wasn't any _time _left. I wasn't- I wasn't any different. I was supposed to come back a better leader, but nothing had changed."

"You were _already _a good leader, brainless."

"But I wasn't good _enough._"

"Says _you. _How the hell does takin' off for the Amazon or whatever make you a better leader anyway?"

"Well-"

"You get better at leadin' by stickin' around to _lead._ Kinda screwed up logic you followin'?"

"The determination to better oneself isn't 'screwed up logic,' Raph. Just because _you _don't see the point in training beyond taking out petty criminals and destroying your punching bag-"

"Yeah, 'cause all that trainin' on 'petty criminals' is really workin' against me lately. Couldn't hit the broad side of a barn. Couldn't take down a baby stroller. Couldn't, oh you know, climb out the window of a movin' vehicle and take out the tires of the car full of guys shootin' at me while my brother held the wheel."

"…touché."

"Damn straight."

* * *

_Righto, that's the finish of that. Sympathize with the guinea-reader (who also goes by Princess Tyler Briefs)?_


End file.
